Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
