rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
