The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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