I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
