Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
