It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
