I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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