Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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