Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize