I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
