Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
bring money and cleavage
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
