I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize