please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
