the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
