so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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