I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
