standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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