i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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