I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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