he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
