I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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