So drunk its hurt
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
