you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
