is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
