Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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