I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Found your dick twin last night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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