Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
