I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
