I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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