You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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