Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
