you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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