Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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