Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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