my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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