We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
