rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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