If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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