he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
