Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
