i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize