yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
