Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Send help, water and tortillas.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
