I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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