It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
