Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize