i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
