this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
