i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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