her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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