She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I want is dick and wine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
