I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
