He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
