so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
