In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
