Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
